So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Randomize
