First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
