Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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