Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Randomize
