Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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