As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Randomize
