why didn't you poke me back
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
