Can i not drive my cunt home
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
