My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
my liver is dry heaving
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
