Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Randomize
