i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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