I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Randomize
