When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
