I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
