I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
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