I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Randomize
