The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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