Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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