What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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