You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
