nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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