my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
