I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Randomize
