I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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