I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
