You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
