I like my sex mixed with concussions.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Randomize
