Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Randomize
