just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
