just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
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