Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
