I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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