I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
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