She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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