also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
why is half of my head shaved?
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
