So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
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