I puked a lego.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Randomize
