seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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