Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
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