Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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