I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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