Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Randomize
