Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
