nut hugger
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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