Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
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