I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
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