my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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