My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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