I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
