Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
