Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
